Carnival
by Year of the Cat Fanclub
Summary: Haruhi wonders at what the host club really is. Were they just using her? Were they ever her friends at all? No real pairings, slight HikaruHaruhi in part two. Written by Tohru.
1. Part I

Carnival

A/N In this fic, Fujioka Haruhi is questioning whether the Host Club meant something to her or if it was just a waste of time. And were the members just using her…? And the song is "Carnival" by Natalie Merchant.

Well, I've walked these streets  
A virtual stage, it seemed to me  
Makeup on their faces  
Actors took their places next to me

With the host club constantly cosplaying and goofing off, it was always hard to tell when they were being serious, if ever. They even pulled Haruhi into their game of acting to please the ladies. Too bad Haruhi was a girl too. Were all their games aimed at her as well? She began to wonder…

Well, I've walked these streets  
In a carnival, of sights to see  
All the cheap thrill seekers, the vendors and the dealers  
They crowded around me

They always had new costumes, new sets, new places, new acts. But they were fake. Cosplaying is being someone you're not, right? Right. Even the girls were fake. They just wanted the attention of some attractive guys. To Haruhi, they seemed to be so fake and oblivious that they couldn't even see their own stupidity and the fakeness of the whole thing. Fangirls boggled Haruhi's mind. And they began to get annoying.

Have I been blind? Have I been lost  
Inside myself and my own mind  
Hypnotized, mesmerized by what my eyes have seen?

Why didn't she see through the façade? Do they really care for her? Did they ever care for her? Or was it just the pity and curiosity of "commoner" ways? It was hard to think about, but Haruhi found the most important question of all to be: Did going to Ouran and being in the host club really push her towards her goal?

Well, I've walked these streets  
In a spectacle of wealth and poverty  
In the diamond markets the scarlet welcome carpet  
That they just rolled out for me

She never really fit in, being they're rich and she's poor. At least that's the way she was thinking now. They really wanted to be her friends, right? Well… maybe not. Always wanting to try "commoner" things, sending her to the store to buy them "commoner" food… that's it! They were using her, weren't they? And knowing she couldn't actually pay for her debt, they pulled her into their little world of fake smiles and personalities, acting like they really wanted her there. She shook her head. And she fell for it.

And I've walked these streets  
In the madhouse asylum they can be  
Where a wild-eyed misfit prophet  
On a traffic island stopped and he raved of saving me

Haruhi realized that everyone has issues, so the host club was no different. They all had their little secrets, and they use their bizarre personalities to cover up the hurt and confusion, and they use the host club to be someone they're not. So… what's real and what's not? Do they even know, she wondered? And Tamaki. He had to be the most obnoxious out of all of them, what with his constant attempts to "save" her from the other club members, especially Hikaru and Kaoru. And what was with those screwed up fantasies he constantly had of her? Maybe he was trying to be some kind of knight in shining armor for her, she mused. Maybe he wanted to "save" her from her poverty. Stupid boy. This is her life to live, and she doesn't need your help. Or…

Have I been blind, have I been lost  
Have I been blind, have I been mean  
Have I been strong

Could she have pulled herself out if she wanted to? Of course, she kept telling herself. Of course I could… but… did she want to? Does she want to…?

Hypnotized, mesmerized by what my eyes have seen  
In that great street carnival, in that carnival?

Did she stay after her debt was erased because she liked it? Does she miss them? She shook her head. No. It was all a game. Just a game. Then why is she crying? Why does it hurt if those boys mean nothing to her?


	2. Part II

Carnival, Part 2

A/N This is part 2! Obviously… There's no song to this part; it's just a follow up to part 1, and it's a conclusion of sorts.

The phone rings, waking Haruhi from her reverie.

"Hello?"

"Haruhi? It's Hikaru."

"…hi."

"Um… the lor… um… I mean… everyone is getting together for, um, a sort of farewell party for the host club, since it's kind of… um…"

"Disintegrating?"

"…yeah…"

"And why are you calling?"

"I volunteered."

"Why? Why would you or anyone care if I came or not?"

The tears were fighting to come back with a vengeance. She fought back. But it made her sound angry…

"Haruhi? This isn't like you at all. What's wrong?"

He actually sounded worried. Was she wrong?

It wasn't just a game, was it?

"…huh?"

"You… and the host club… you weren't just using me, were you? You actually cared…"

"No, silly, we still care! You're our friend!"

That did it. Haruhi dissolved into tears. She couldn't stop them. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't speak. Sob after sob, all of her sadness and loneliness and uncertainty came pouring out in a flood of relief.

"Haruhi?! Haruhi, what's wrong? Are you okay? I'm coming over right now! Stay there!"

Click. How could she have been so wrong? Here she was, thinking she was just being used, and now Hikaru is on his way to make sure she's alright. It had to be her brain's insane way of coping with the break-up of her beloved club. Hani and Mori had graduated a year ago, which was hard, but everyone else was still there. Now Tamaki and Kyouya, the founders, were leaving. The club would end, and where would she be? This is scary, she thought. What would become of her? She would become another nameless face in college, and all of high school, including friends (yes, she decided, they were her friends, and they still are) would be left behind. This hurt. She couldn't do it alone.

A knocking at the door. Oh yeah, she thought, Hikaru was coming over.

"Come in!"

"Haruhi, are you okay?"

The concern was genuine.

"What, no Kaoru?"

"No… he said I should come alone."

"Hm. No kidnapping to take me to the party?"

"Ha! Silly! The party's not till next week!"

She tried to laugh, but a sob came out instead. He held out his arms toward her, and she collapsed into him. Hikaru slowly lowered himself into a sitting position, still holding the crying Haruhi. They stayed that way for what seemed like ages, until she was calmed by his warmth and his touch.

"Of course it's a game. The host club, I mean. But all of our friendships have been real since the beginning. I would've thought that you of all people would have seen through all of that."

"I'm sorry. I let fear get the best of me."

That grin…

"Fujioka Haruhi is afraid of fear _and_ thunder?!"

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?!?!?!?!"

"It means that my plan worked."

"What plan…?"

"The plan to cheer you up!"

"…"

"So… if you're not at the party, be prepared for the Hitachiin brother's secret attack!"

"…or not-so-secret…"

It felt so good to laugh like that. With a friend. Haruhi knew then that she wasn't alone. And she never would be.


End file.
